A New Series: Self-Care Myth Busters

 

In December I completed my 100th interview in my 100 Women Project – my commitment to interview 100 women about self-care.

In order to share what I learned, I am starting what I am calling my Self-Care Myth Busting Series.

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Self-Care Myth #1:
Self-Care is Selfish

I heard from A LOT women, all over the country, that self-care is selfish. I was astonished. I had no idea so many women were suffering in this way.

Are you one of them?

The women I talked to didn’t lead with self-care is selfish though. They lead with telling me all the ways they know how they should take care of themselves, they gladly told me of their limited successes and then confessed all the ways they are failing themselves.

When I ask the question – what is the hardest part of self-care? – that’s when the truth comes out.

Self-care is selfish.

Over and over again. I keep hearing that and it makes me sad and if I’m being honest – it pisses me off (not at the women I was talking to! But at this cultural message). More on that in a minute though.

The definition of selfish is “lacking concern for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.”

Here’s the thing, I have yet to meet a woman lacking in concern for others. But I do keep meeting lots of women who completely disregard themselves.

Since when don’t women matter?

With this pervasive belief self-care is selfish – no wonder why there are so few women who want to dive head first into self-care.

I’m here to offer an alternative way of thinking.

First let’s start with the definition of self-care.

This is the definition of self-care I use:

self-care-definition

Self care includes any intentional actions you take to care for your physical, mental and emotional health. {Here’s the source of that definition which includes lots of great ideas for self-care}.

The only part I think is missing is the spiritual part of yourself. So when I think of how I am going to take care of myself I include all four of those areas. The details are different for each of us and it’s important that all parts of ourselves are nourished regularly to be truly healthy, happy and sane.

What this definition of self-care doesn’t mention is shirking responsibility for others or disregarding the people you love. It is simply the act or acts that you do to take care of your whole being.

Here’s why I am mad.

So many smart, awesome women are believing something I simply do not find to be true.

Self-care is NOT selfish.

Self-care is taking care of oneself as if you matter. Period. End of story.

I’ll use my own life as an example. In taking care of myself – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually –  I am not ignoring my family or their needs.

I am simply taking care of my business so no one else has to.  I am responsible for taking care of me.

At the same time, I am teaching my daughter to take care of herself so she isn’t looking for someone else to take care of her and I’m teaching my partner how to take care of himself so I don’t have to.

Which isn’t to say we’re all islands who no longer need one another. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We are interdependent – we rely on each other to help each one of us take care of ourselves.

Everyone in my family matters equally and we all get to get our needs met. While we don’t all need exactly the same things, no one has to sacrifice themselves for the benefit of others.

You don’t have to forget yourself in order to be a great partner, mother, daughter, aunt or friend.

I would love to hear what you think.

I look forward to seeing you soon!

xo,

Tami

good-fit-consult

What Is Life+Work Coaching?

As part of my  Summer of Intentionality I am committed to learning new things.

This summer I am committed to learning a lot for two reasons:

1. I am talking to as many women as possible about self-care and where they struggle for my 100 Women Project.

2. I am starting a new chapter of my personal and professional life. I just started  working toward myCoaching for Life and Work Certification from UC Davis Extension.

As I start my new adventure I’d like to start talking to you about coaching: what it is, how it is different from other professions, and ask you what you’d like to know about coaching.

coaching def

So….What IS a Coach?

According to the UC Davis Professional Coaching for Life and Work program, coaches partner with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires clients to maximize their personal and professional potential.

The International Federation of Coaching adds that coaches:

  • Discover, clarify, and align with what the client wants to achieve
  • Encourage client self-discovery
  • Elicit client-generated solutions and strategies
  • Hold the client responsible and accountable

This process helps clients dramatically improve their outlook on work and life, while improving their leadership skills and unlocking their potential.

In my own experience with working with a coach, this is exactly what happened!

A few years ago I was stuck and feeling like old thought patterns were getting in the way of moving forward in life and business. I knew I needed help because what I had been doing wasn’t working anymore and I wanted to make changes in my life and business, not just stick to the status quo. I wanted to do my life differently than I had seen anyone else do it.

Luckily this was a time when my coach, Nikki Stern, came back into my life. We had met years before and during her time in the PNW, she became a certified coach. I was super curious about what she did and so I immediately signed up with her for a few sessions.

Before our first meeting Nikki asked me to write some answers to prepared questions to really clarify what I wanted to work on and during our in-person, phone and Skype sessions (all depended on our availablity). During our sessions, she asked me thought-provoking questions which lead to some pretty big epiphanies for me. And those epiphanies lead to some small changes that lead to huge shifts in my personal and professional life.

I wouldn’t be where I am right now if I hadn’t worked with a coach and I’m excited to learn how to help others in this way.

According to the IFC some of the benefits of working with a coach are:

– fresh perspective on personal challenges
– enhanced decision-making skills
– greater interpersonal effectiveness
– greater confidence
– increased productivity
– greater satisfaction in life
– setting and reaching goals

How is coaching different from other professions ie therapy, consulting, mentoring, training or athletic development?

Again, according to the IFC:

Therapy deals with healing pain, dysfunction and conflict within an individual or in relationships. The focus is often on resolving difficulties arising from the past….

Consulting: Individuals or organizations retain consultants for their expertise. While consulting approaches vary widely, the assumption is the consultant will diagnose problems and prescribe and, sometimes, implement solutions…

Mentoring: A mentor is an expert who provides wisdom and guidance based on his or her own experience…

– Training: Training programs are based on objectives set out by the trainer or instructor…

– Athletic Development: Though sports metaphors are often used, professional coaching is different from sports coaching. The athletic coach is often seen as an expert who guides and directs the behavior of individuals or teams based on his or her greater experience and knowledge…

Coaches:

Coaching  supports personal and professional growth based on self-initiated change in pursuit of specific actionable outcomes. These outcomes are linked to personal or professional success. Coaching is future focused. While positive feelings/emotions may be a natural outcome of coaching, the primary focus is on creating actionable strategies for achieving specific goals in one’s work or personal life. The emphases in a coaching relationship are on action, accountability, and follow through.

With coaching, the assumption is that individuals or teams are capable of generating their own solutions, with the coach supplying supportive, discovery-based approaches and frameworks.

The coaching process does not include advising or counseling, and focuses instead on individuals or groups setting and reaching their own objectives.

Though objectives are clarified in the coaching process, they are set by the individual or team being coached, with guidance provided by the coach. Training also assumes a linear learning path that coincides with an established curriculum. Coaching is less linear without a set curriculum.

Professional coaches possess these qualities, but their experience and knowledge of the individual or team determines the direction. Additionally, professional coaching, unlike athletic development, does not focus on behaviors that are being executed poorly or incorrectly. Instead, the focus is on identifying opportunity for development based on individual strengths and capabilities.

What else would you like to know about coaching?

So many questions for you:

– Are you inspired to start a Summer of Intentionality – what do you want to read, do and learn this summer?

– Have you or would you ever work with a coach?

– What questions do you still have about coaching?

I’d love to hear all about it. Hit reply and let me know.

I look forward to seeing you soon!

xo,

Tami

 

I can’t wait for you to join me.

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Hi! I’m so glad you are here.

If you are new, welcome! It’s nice to meet you.

And you you have been here a  while, THANK YOU for being here again. I love that you are back for more.

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I want to live in a world where every woman feels powerful and sovereign in her own life.

  • I believe we feel powerful when we unapologetically ask for what we most desire in life.
  • I believe we feel powerful when we believe we matter.
  • I believe we feel powerful by claiming our right to truly care for ourselves in a compassionate, loving way.
  • I believe we are capable in living in a healthy, happy, sane way on our own terms
  • I believe 100% Guilt-Free Self-Care is the path to sovereignty.

 

100% Guilt-Free Self-Care is all about:

  • practicing self-compassion
  • attending to our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs
  • slowing down our lives in order to really listen to the powerful quiet voices inside
  • putting our own needs, wants and desires first
  • listening to our deepest longings in order to make those happen

 

Join me!

When you join me, you can expect an essay on self-care on Wednesdays and on Sundays I send a roundup of self-care links delivered right to your inbox.

 

It’s time to claim your sovereignty and live the powerful life you were born to live.