A friend asked me the other day why I hadn’t written in a while. He wondered if there had been big fall out from the family. I assured him that the opposite was true, that I hadn’t heard a peep from them about the writing.
No, I was silent because I got a little ahead of myself and put my real first draft feelings out on the interwebs and I was struck by how vulnerable I felt. Then I got all self conscious about all my meandering yammering and well, that was enough inner critic to silence me for a while.
Right now, honestly I’m not sure how I’m feeling about anything. I’m not finding the love on the mat as much anymore. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m busy dissecting every pose, feeling guilty that I’m not doing enough homework or if I’m just feeling the weight of the school year + the teacher training. In any case, I’m tired.
This morning while sitting in meditation, our lab Sammy came up to me with his squeaky toy — making a racket, calling for my attention. As I continued to sit he settled down and I was left with the soft suckling sound as he teethed on a quiet end of the toy.
It reminded me of the squeaky toys we have in our minds. The repeated calls for our attention. I realized that all the anxiety, frustration, expectations, doubt, fear, etc. that we all are noticing more are just squeaky toys. And like I did with Sammy, I notice, acknowledge, and ignore and in time things settle down.
Glad to see you back in the blogosphere.
I hear ya sista! Sometimes when I get in this rut… I practice to good music. Music that makes me smile, that feels good in my body, and allows me to not be too serious. It’s bugging the crap out of me that when I go to class, I am listening in a teacher in training way, instead of just letting go. Will I forever listen like that? Part of the practice… I suppose. Love to you. K
Silence is welcome and well deserved. I actually was feeling the lack of love for the mat the week before last and decided to go back to the basics…all the classes I started with for 1 week and happy mat ensued :) Sleep well…