I wanted to title this post, “I used hate all religion and now I only dislike some.” Catchy, huh?

Day Three

The Dharma talk. Uh oh.  The Dharma talk is the part where the yoga is going to recruit me into the cult. It will invade my brain and change how I view the world, God and myself.

God, I hope so.

Let me start at the beginning. I was raised to be a good Lutheran. Or at least that was the intention. My peeps are originally from Minnesota and as Garrison Keillor can attest, the place overrun with Lutherans. My father moved to California when he was three; however he brought those good Lutheran values with him on the ride.

Here’s the truth though. I went to the weekly classes and was confirmed a Lutheran when I was in eighth grade.   As it turns out, I was that kid. I was the questioner. I was the doubter. I was the pain in the ass with all the philosophical questions and then with the follow up questions which always ended with the pastor sighing audibly and replying, “You just need to have faith.”

Since being confirmed as a real life Lutheran, I have been to church exactly three times. When I go to church wedding, I worry that my lack of faith will somehow cause the architectural destruction of the church. Seriously, I worry that I’m going to ruin the wedding because the church falls down around us. I’m pretty sure the pastor at my church is still clapping gleefully every week when I am absent from his congregation. The dude looked a little panicked when he spotted me in the pews at my Grandma’s funeral. “Oh no, not that kid.”

“You just need to have faith.”

How could I have faith in something I saw as punitive and hypocritical? How could I have faith when there is so much suffering and injustice in the world? How could I have faith when I don’t see myself like these people?

“You just need to have faith.”

But it didn’t. In fact, for a very long time, I had the opposite of faith. I had scorn for those that blindly followed the flock and didn’t question. I looked down on them for their ignorance of what was real – evolution, science, fun. Needless to say, my spiritual life suffered greatly because of my rebellious attitude toward my family’s chosen religion.

“You just need to have faith.”

Then it happened. I started to question my questioning. I started to feel like something was missing in my life. I had a new very fulfilling job I was passionate about, a very supportive partner, amazing friends and yet something was missing. Did those JC lovers know something I didn’t know?  Damn them. Were they right?!? Did I just need to have faith?

So I went on a journey to find my spiritual self. Of course I mocked the hell out of the wonderful person that suggested I do that. Poor thing, just a sweet Buddhist shrink looking to help me find my way. I think I owe her an apology…

I didn’t go to yoga to find my spiritual self or any new ideas about the world. I was looking for a good workout and that post class feeling. That peaceful feeling. That feeling that was absent except right after class. So more yoga = more good feelings, right?

As it turns out, the real yoga comes after you leave your mat, your head and find your own inner goodness and peace. As it turns out, it’s the turning inward and looking for the divinity in yourself when all the goodness happens. It’s the Dharma that brings out the faith. The faith in the inner goodness in all people, the faith in the impermanence of all – good, bad, indifferent, the faith in the present moment.

Through the regular practice of asana and listening to the very wise IAY teachers, I have finally found my faith.