Today I am guest posting about adoption over at one of my favorite of all times blogs – Yes and Yes. If you are curious about the hows and whys of our adoption journey, this is where you’ll find some answers.
Sarah Von is a world traveling former ESL teacher with a love of Taiwan and a contagious laugh.
I hope you stop over to read my post and while you are there stay awhile and get to know Sarah a bit.
Exactly six weeks ago, our agency called to say we got first decree.
Today we received our travel dates.
We will finally meet Ruby the first week of October when we travel to Taiwan to pick her up.
We’re obviously over the moon with the news and are excitedly preparing for our trip and Ruby’s arrival.
Thanks for all your love and support!
tasting :: nothing
hearing :: your current adoption wait time: 2-3 more YEARS. {unless we switch to another country}
smelling :: nothing
seeing :: through a lot of tears.
feeling :: gutted, but well-loved and supported. super delicate and very much in need of a soft touch.
wishing/hoping :: for some time and space to just be sad. some clarity on what we will do. kindness to self and from others.
What about you?
What are your senses this Saturday?
Looking back, how was your week?
Leave a comment and tell me all about it. I’d seriously love to hear about someone’s week that didn’t totally suck. If your week sucked, tell me about it anyway. I’d love to have some company.
This weekly tradition inspired by Pink of Perfection’s Five Sense Friday.
Don’t forget to click the links!
{This was first published at Becky and Hollee’s blog back in June 2010.}
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Today we are pleased to welcome a California mom-to-be who shares how she’s coping with the a very long journey to motherhood.–Hollee
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Can you imagine being pregnant for 21 months and counting? Welcome to the world of international adoption!
During the fall semester of 2008 (we’re both public school teachers), we began our very long journey toward becoming parents. Every second that fall was filled with adoption paperwork. We answered essay questions about why we wanted to adopt and it all came down to this:
There are children in the world who need families and we want to raise a child.
We both believe families are made, not born.
Autobiographies were written. Fingerprints were cleared by all possible agencies. We wrote a child care plan, divulged tax information, ran financial reports, found guardians for our future child and talked about discipline. Home studies were completed, doctors were consulted and notaries notarized every single scrap of paper.
Through this process I have learned a lot about my husband. I admire his ability to stay hyper-focused and organized, strengths I don’t share. His desire to become a parent has deepened my feelings for him in ways I never expected. Maybe this is what people talk about when they say they fall in love again after their children are born.
In large part, our application was completed in record time because of his determination to make this happen. We turned it all in to our agency and patted ourselves on the back.
Then there was nothing to do — except wait.
Did you hear anything yet?
Why does it take so long?
Did you hear anything yet?
Are you sure this is all legit?
Did you hear anything yet?
I’m sure you’ll get pregnant, now that your paperwork is finished.
Did you hear anything yet?
No, we haven’t heard anything yet. We’re hoping (fingers crossed) that it will be next summer when we travel. For now, we simply have to wait our turn and figure out how to fill our time while we wait.
As you can imagine, it’s not always easy to just wait. As a culture, we are fairly accustomed to immediate gratification.
So how are we spending our paper-pregnancy time?
We’re reading adoption books (Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know is a favorite), general parenting books (we’re always looking for recommendations) and cultivating relationships with other waiting/adoptive families. There is nothing like the support of people who have gone through or are currently going through the same experience.
We’re taking classes to make sure we’re at the highest salary possible when our child arrives, making some much-needed home improvements, and now re-doing lots of paperwork because it needs to be renewed annually.
But mostly, we’re just waiting.
Our friends and family are all trying to be patient and supportive, only occasionally raising the when question. This experience is new to them, too, and they want to stay involved and help us in our wait. Love is all around.
Sometimes though, they admit that they forget that we’re expecting. They apologize and ask about the timeline and procedures. But truth be told, sometimes I forget too. There is no baby bump or physical change, no big nesting urge or due date. At this point, we don’t even have a referral, so there isn’t even a picture of our waiting child.
Right now, our pregnancy is still a completely paper one.
Through this process, I’m learning a lot about myself. For starters, I am slowly developing the ability to not need to know what is going to happen next and to not feel defensive because I don’t have all of the answers. My faith in what is to be has been repeatedly tested and I haven’t come completely undone.
My heart is opening in unexpected ways: I’ve been able to accept the support of friends and family, and to look inside for acceptance of who I am without judgment. I know I’ll need these skills once I become a parent.
Yoga is actually helping the most. By practicing living in this moment, not trying to anticipate what will happen, the waiting becomes much more bearable. I’m trying to cultivate the feeling that life unfolds and to remember that forcing or pressing adds to the suffering.
Building your family through adoption is a long process that requires a lot of love, compassion, support and patience. I’m happy to know I’m not on this journey alone.
Tami Hackbarth is a full-time public school teacher in Northern California. When she’s not bossing kids around, she also teaches yoga to people who think it’s not for them. She is pursuing an advanced degree in resting, storytelling and social media. She can be found on Twitter and at her blog: Teacher Goes Back to School.
Today I have a guest post over at BeckyandHollee’s blog about our journey to parenthood via international adoption. If you are interested in international adoption, please check it out.
If you haven’t met Becky and Hollee yet, they are the authors of a soon to be released book called: Good Enough is the New Perfect. I don’t know about you, but the title alone makes me want to read it!
Until recently I thought we would be traveling to Thailand this summer.
That fantasy was burst and I’ve pretty much made peace with the situation.
Until I started planning for our actual summer trip.
In doing research on Munich and Croatia (yay European travel!), I started with Rick Steves and quickly remembered how much I don’t want to travel with him.
I can’t even make it through an entire episode without wondering how he has this job.
Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy….. but are you kidding me?
y-a-w-n
Enter my favorite travel guide: Tony Bourdain.
The foul-mouthed drunkard chef?
Yep, that one.
Anyway, in my search of No Reservations episodes in Netflix Watch Instantly, I came across a Thailand episode.
Of course, I watched it.
The dude even stopped what he was doing to come join me in my office.
I’ll spare you the details, but ultimately watching Tony eating his way through Thailand made me sad.
I really wish we were going to Thailand this summer.
Enough with the bad news already.
It seems every time I turn on the news recently there is a story of an adoption gone wrong.
There is a reason it is news:
Because it is rare.
Lots of people adopt every year and there isn’t one news story on all the families made complete through the process.
Except for this one.
Please take a minute to read it.
The author’s name is Eric Weiner. He is a former reporter for NPR and author of The Geography of Bliss: One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World.
I think he’s got it right.
+++++
The latest on our adoption?
We are in the process of renewing all of our paperwork which included a recent visit with our social worker. She came by the house on Sunday for a check in. It was lovely to see her. We’re lucky. We really like our social worker.
The best part?
We are one step closer to becoming parents.
Click here for a general timeline for our adoption.
When we started the adoption process back in September 2008, several people suggested we start a blog to capture the time while we were waiting to build our family.
In theory I thought it was a good idea and thought I would do it someday because, that’s what “good” adoptive parents do.
Right?
Good adoptive parents record every moment of waiting time so that they have a “pregnancy” story to share with their child when they ask about how they became a family.
Then I got all caught up in the notion of what “good” adoptive parents do and got overwhelmed in the judgement about what I am supposed to do.
I hate doing what I’m supposed to do.
So instead, I decided to just do some projects that interested me while we waited. So far, I’ve taken all classes possible to move across the salary schedule (who doesn’t love more money???), studied to become a yoga teacher and now I’m training for a half-marathon.
Oh and I started a daily writing project about two things I love: yoga and music.
I guess my future kid will at least know his/her mom was super busy while waiting.
Interesting to me now, that this blog about my becoming a yoga teacher is evolving into a kind of “pregnancy” story. It’s documenting the changes in me over time. I guess in my own way, I am documenting my transformation into a parent.
Adoption is obviously a longer wait than biological pregnancy. It’s also a much more personal “pregnancy” because there is no physical reminder of our impending parenthood. If people don’t know we’re adopting – they would never know we’re expectant parents. We don’t have month-to-month bump photos or ironic t-shirts.
We just have a big binder and a whole bunch of waiting.
I’m curious how other people documented their transformation into parents.
How did you document your pregnancy or waiting time?
How did you share that story with your child when they asked?
Biological or adoptive stories are welcome. Please share your stories here.
Today’s yoga brought to you by the home practice! It’s a half-marathon training day.
Today’s music is The Ecstatic by Mos Def.
Don’t forget FREE Fridays at 4:30 with the new It’s All Yoga teachers (21st and X in Sacramento) – you’ve got to sign up online www.itsallyoga.com.
I’m teaching 3/5/10 – so mark your calendar.
For the month of February, I’m teaching a Level 1/2 on Mondays at 5:45. Come join me.
We talked to the owner of our adoption agency today after months of weirdness with our case worker in the satellite office.
Here is a list of things I learned from today’s conversation.
Since no one is quite sure how to react to this situation, please let me ask for what we need and to tell you what we definitely don’t need.
Let’s start with the DON’T LIST in case you are short on time:
Now for what we actually need:
December 28 Stationery.
When you touch the paper, your heart melts. The ink flows from the pen. What was your stationery find of the year?
After reading this prompt, I think I may be missing out on one of life’s simple pleasures. I haven’t written or received a letter on stationery in years. Like most, I keep up with friends via email, text and Facebook. I do, however, remember the feeling of excitement when a hand-written letter would come in the mail.
For a while, after most people were keeping up with friends only on the Internet, my friend Joanne and I would exchange real letters. We were inspired to write letters to each other based on a book about two friends living in different parts of the world and longing to keep the connection between them.
While Jo and I no longer write letters to each other and despite living on different continents, career changes and children, we still manage to stay connected to each other. Yes, Facebook has played a role in that. A smaller role than one would think.
Instead, we plan vacations together.
Before Jojos went to medical school and still had her fancy flying around the world job, I could count on her annual visit. Once she settled in country to study medicine, I wondered how we’d keep up that pace. Thankfully she missed California and wanted to show it (and her old friends) off to her new boyfriend.
The next summer we traveled to England to meet her new baby girl and to spend a couple weeks together in the South of France. The four adults to one 9 month old baby ratio was perfect for a relaxing holiday of swimming pool hijinks and cheese eating.
Last summer Jojos brought her little family, which now included a new baby boy, back to California for some summer fun. Some friends we have in town were traveling to Italy for the summer and generously offered their house to the Brits. They have two daughters so when little Sophie came into a holiday house filled with girlie toys, she exclaimed, “It’s the House of Treasures”!
With our adoption plans keeping us guessing, we’re not sure what our next vacation will be. Or even when it will be. Maybe in the meantime, I’ll spend some time writing Jo a real letter on real stationery and revive that little pleasure in my life.
Yesterday we got some disappointing news. Our adoption wait is going to take longer than we first thought. Current circumstances are pushing our wait to the longer 24+ month wait, rather than the optimistic 18-24 month wait. Not the end of the world, but disappointing nonetheless.
It didn’t really sink in until this morning how sad I am about it.
I have been operating on the optimist time frame. I had it in my head that by next school year we’ve have our kiddo at home and instead of trying to teach everyone else’s kids how to read, I’d be home learning how to be a parent.
Not so.
I’m not sure exactly at what moment my disappointment set in, but when the tears started, I wasn’t sure they were going to stop. By the time I reached the school parking lot, I had it pulled together. I figured I’d just muscle through and then come home and continue to be sad.
I slipped through the office unnoticed and made it halfway to my classroom when I encountered some of my colleagues talking to one of my former parents in the hallway. They all greeted me with a warm good morning and my eyes immediately welled up again.
Next thing I knew, I was enveloped in a great big mama teacher hug crying like a baby. Big hugs and kind words followed. I explained what had happened and one reminded me what I already knew… that “our” kid isn’t ready for us yet and when he or she is ready for us, we’ll be there.
Their kindness helped me put our situation in perspective. So it’s going to take a bit longer than we thought, but when it happens it’ll be right.
So thank you dear friends for your support and love.
I thought I would share a current list of things that are weighing on my brain. Maybe getting them out of my head will help sort them out and give me some perspective.
1. Our adoption. I’m worried it’s not actually going to happen. In the words of Tom Petty, “The waiting is the hardest part.” Indeed.
2. Next school year…. Will I be teaching? Where will I be teaching? What grade will I be teaching?
Seems some changes may be happening and if I’m going to be teaching I’d like to know now who, what and where. Not so much on the last minute changes by other people. Just sayin.
3. If our adoption does go through in the next few months, how will I survive the travel?
Jet lag + humidity + extreme heat + anxiety = bad news for Tami.
4. How will I handle the transition to parenthood? Will we really be able to live on one income?
5. Will I teach yoga? Where will that take me?
6. Ok, the thinking about the extreme Thailand heat got me thinking about the summer weather here. Will I ever get used to the heat in Sacramento? I really hate it. Seriously. Once it starts, sometimes I feel like it’s never going to stop and that freaks me out.
Teacher Goes Back to School 