Category Archives: Life as a School Teacher

Life as public school teacher

Yoga+Music365 (day32) – Blame It On Gravity by Old97s- The Blindfolded Yoga Edition!

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Blindfolded yoga?

I so didn’t make this up.

That would be Michelle.

She’s a fancy yoga teacher who is taking a month off from teaching. She’s been doing this for years, so she can get away with that wackiness. She knows what she’s doing and people trust her. They know she’s driving and so they follow her lead.

She’s pretty much a genius.

And she’s trusting me to sub for her during her time off.

DUDE!

That’s a lot of pressure.

I’ve talked to my Monsters and we’ve come to an agreement.

I’ve practiced my class at home, taught it to my wonderfully patient dude, and I promise to remember to breathe during the class.

I’ll also keep in mind that everyone there isn’t expecting Michelle because they all read her blog about her February Recess.

But back to the Blindfolded Yoga…

As soon as I put the blindfold on, I was filled with a sense of peaceful euphoria. All the striving and ego I fight against in the higher level classes just disappeared.  I was free to practice with all my focus internally. I was able to really let go of the anxiety I had been feeling about teaching and settle into concentrating on being in the moment. Of course all those moments included trying not to fall over myself or my props.

For a few minutes I was able to really live in the moment and that’s what yoga is all about.

Today’s yoga brought to you by the home practice! I’ve got to contain my nervous energy somehow.

Today’s music is Blame It on Gravity by Old97s.

Don’t forget FREE Fridays at 4:30 with the new It’s All Yoga teachers (21st and X in Sacramento) – you’ve got to sign up online www.itsallyoga.com. 

I’m teaching 3/5/10 – so mark your calendar.

For the month of February, I’m teaching a Level 1/2 on Mondays at 5:45. Come join me.

There Are Monsters All Up In There!

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At 4:30 am I woke up from an awful dream. I was scheduled to teach a yoga class and it was at the house where I grew up. The room where I was to be teaching was longer and more narrow than I remembered, so I switched to another room only to find it stuffed full of furniture and people waiting.

There were couches and coffee table after coffee table after coffee table, and dining room tables. A bar had been set up and needed to be moved and even coffee and Danish.

And did I mention all the people?

Even my dad was there. He said he wanted to try yoga. He’d heard from someone it’s really good for you and since I’m teaching now, he was there for my class.

Are you effing kidding me?

My dad?

The people just kept coming. They didn’t have their mats or their clothes or any of their yoga stuff. There was a sense of anticipation.The time kept ticking and the furniture moving was going at a snail’s pace.

When would we start? How would we ever begin with all the talking, milling about, furniture moving? How would we fit everyone there?

Everyone kept asking me questions…. thinking I was in charge. Like I knew what to do in these strange circumstances. Like I WAS IN CHARGE….

I kept reminding myself to breathe and that it would be ok.

Except I didn’t even believe myself.

I guess my Monsters are trying to tell me something.

It’s now 5am, I’m blogging and I’ve got heartburn.

I guess you could say I’m losing my freaking marbles about subbing for Michelle (my badass, seemingly perfect, rock star teacher) .

I guess you could say that I’m feeling like I need to plan the perfect class and prepare for everything that may happen.

I need to find the perfect story/poem to start the class.

I need to come up with the perfect sequence for every single person in the class.

I need to know every modification and prop to support every person in every pose.

I need to say the perfect words for every pose and have witty, but not too witty banter between poses.

Simply put, I need ME to be perfect.

Can someone talk to my MONSTERS for me?

I am having trouble getting through.

Michelle said she felt better after she let hers rant and rave for a while.

Me?

I’ve just got heartburn.

Where it all began.

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In the interest of self-care, today I’m sharing with you my first ever post. 

Many of you haven’t seen this yet. It’s where the story began.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yoga is like falling in love. It’s hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it themselves.

Today was the first day of my 200 hour yoga teacher training.  My first thoughts are that I’m so glad I’m doing this now and with these people. I have been working the front desk and practicing regularly at the studio for more than a year now. Looking around the room I saw mostly familiar people I’ve practiced with many times.  I’m looking forward to practicing and learning from everyone – not just Michelle and the IAY gals. 

Why here?

It’s All Yoga is the closest slice of yoga heaven I’ve ever experienced. The teachers, without exception, exhibit kindness, generosity of spirit, humor and wisdom beyond their years.  The space itself is an inspiration in green living and the studio’s commitment to the environment is evident. I spend all my spare time trying to drag everyone I know into the studio to share in the goodness.

Why now?

I’ve been flirting with a regular yoga practice for years. I took my first class more than 10 years ago and thought I’d never experience anything so amazing. Fast forward to summer 2006 when I did my first “summer school” (3 unlimited months of yoga) at IAY and I discovered that amazing feeling only compounded with regularity. School years take an obscene amount of energy the first few years of a teacher’s career and so my regular practice suffered when “real life” returned after the summer break.

Last summer I started “Desk Diva-ing” and the rest is history. Instead of exclusively focusing on my teaching job this last school year, I devoted several days a week to my yoga practice. Working the desk committed me to two days a week and sometimes that is all I could do. Other weeks I found myself on my mat many more – sometimes even at home! 

Over this past year, my mat became my friend and sometimes my enemy. I spent a lot of time crying on my mat – frustration at my body’s limitations, envious of other people’s strength and flexibility, sadness because of some fertility issues, grief because of past trauma, family illnesses and deaths.

It wasn’t all tears (although sometimes it felt that way). Connection, joy, self acceptance, love, dare I say – divinity have also been present on my mat. Had those been there all along? Had I missed them always living in the past and the future? Would I keep experiencing them if I continue to practice?

This new regular practice helped me take my yoga (non-competitiveness, loving-kindness, openheartedness) into my classroom as well. I am looking forward to seeing what this deeper self exploration means for me and my students over the next few months as I delve deeper into a practice I’m falling in love with.

My Yoga Manifesto – PART III- All People Can Do Yoga

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iay awesomeness - photo credit: vanessa vichit-vadakan

Manifesto: a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives, as one issued by a government, sovereign, or organization (or in this case, yoga teacher).

I believe all people can do yoga.

Yes, even you.

Some folks may be put off by yoga because they may think it’s about twisting their bodies into impossible poses usually found in a bag of pretzels.

Some people may be put off yoga because they think they are too ( chubby, old, young, busy, injured, poor, sad, happy, stressed out, tired, cool…)

Other may be put off yoga because they think they aren’t (flexible, strong, rich, fashionable, knowledgable…) enough.

Still others don’t do yoga because they think yoga is too (weird, out there, religious, trendy, bendy, slow, foreign).

I’m positive people that can find 1,001 reasons not to practice yoga.

I’d like to change all that.

You’ve just got to find the right teacher for your kind of yoga. The right teacher for you.

The right kind of teacher for you, right now, in the body you live in.

The right teacher for you will give modifications, work with the body you have, not have expectations of you, not judge you, not push you, not laugh at you. Generally not make you feel bad about yourself.

The right kind of teacher for you will explain what you are doing, help you move in and out of poses safely, show you how to use props to help you go places you can’t go on your own and maybe even make you giggle on occasion.

The right kind of teacher for you will help you see that yoga isn’t about perfecting poses, but about living in the body you have right now.

The right kind of teacher for you will help you find some stillness in the over-scheduled life we all seem to be living these days.

The right kind of teacher for you will help you see the beauty in the world.

The right kind of teacher for you will help you see the beauty in you.

If any of this sounds good to you, come take a class with me. Right now, I’m on the rotating new teacher schedule at It’s All Yoga in Sacramento. We’ve got a free class on Friday afternoons.

FREE Fridays at 4:30 with the new It’s All Yoga teachers (21st and X in Sacramento) –  sign up online www.itsallyoga.com.

If you are looking for a restorative class in Sacramento, we’ve got one of those too.

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What do you think makes a teacher right for you?

Yoga+Music365 (day7) – Here We Stand by The Fratellis

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I love January.

Most people think of January as the beginning of the year, the time of year for resolutions and self-improvement. But as a teacher, it is pretty much the midpoint.

I spend the first half of the year filling them up with information, procedures and expectations. Some kids can keep up with the quick pace from the start. Some kids can’t.

But then I send them home for winter break and it finally all sinks in.

My students are finally mine.

Every year in January I’m surprised how much my class comes together. I’m surprised how much we’ve become a real community. We’ve finally learned how to work well together, how to get our work finished and what behavior works and what doesn’t.

By this time of the year, I always feel connected to my students and I am proud of their accomplishments. It’s so nice to see them become more independent learners and to really start to take charge of their learning.

It’s my hope that one day, I will finally remember that my class really becomes mine, in January.

Today’s yoga brought to you by Madeleine at It’s All Yoga, Sacramento. <ROCKS>

Today’s music is Here We Stand by The Fratellis.

YOGA! cluster #best09

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For me, 2009 was the year of coming out of the yoga closet. Before this year, I’d been quietly practicing on and off for the last decade or so. In thinking what changed for me, I’d have to say it was my changing relationship with my favorite yoga studio, It’s All Yoga, in Sacramento.

In 2009, I really made IAY my second home. It all started mid 2008 when I began my career as a Desk Diva and that summer the studio relocated 6 blocks from my house. Those two things changed everything!

Suddenly I was able to go to as many classes as I wanted with all the amazing, inspiring and let’s be honest – funny! – teachers and that made me want to share all of the yoga yummy-ness with everyone I know. I couldn’t keep yoga to myself any longer!

Workshops, partner classes, book club, movie night, creek cleanup, birthday parties, fundraisers, teacher training…. I did it all in 2009.

Creek Clean

Creek Clean - the kill

The following are a cluster of Best of 2009 Blog Challenge prompts about yoga, yoga, yoga.

December 6 Workshop or conference. Was there a conference or workshop you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn?

The Serene Heart with Mary Paffard – Working with upekkha, or equanimity, in all aspects of yoga. I wrote about this workshop in my Not Losing Your Marbles During the Holidays post.

The morning of Mary’s workshop I posted my Yoga Manifesto – Part 1 – REST.

Rest

December 8 Moment of peace. An hour or a day or a week of solitude. What was the quality of your breath? The state of your mind? How did you get there?

Short answer. Yoga!

December 9 Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?

Yoga school while teaching. See the Saturation Point.

December 18 Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year?

Here’s a partial sampling of the yoga workshops and special classes I attended this year:

  • New Year’s Day with Michelle Marlahan
  • Valentine’s Day Partners with Michelle Marlahan
  • Earth Day partners with Michelle Marlahan
  • Chakras Workshop with Madeleine Lohman
  • Tapas with Mary Paffard
  • Yoga for Holiday Stress with Madeleine Lohman
  • Serene Heart Mary Paffard 
  • Anatomy Parts I and II with Baxter Bell
Trees

Valentine's Day

December 24 Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?

Learning to teach yoga. Really to share what I love with others. That’s what this blog is all about.

Adjusting

Adjusting

December 25 Gift. What’s a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?

Short answer: Yoga!

Quaddog!

 

 

Make Way for Ducklings

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In third grade we read a story called Make Way for Duckings by Robert McCloskey. MWFD is the story of the Mallard family. The Mallards are trying to find a safe place to raise their babies in the Public Garden in Boston. A friendly policeman named Michael stops traffic to help the family cross the busy city street. The big lesson I teach my class about this story is that people have a responsiblity to protect wildlife.

Recently I have been thinking about a different part of the story.

Once the Mallards find a suitable home, Mr. Mallard takes a weeklong trip up the river leaving Mrs. Mallard on her own with their eight ducklings. During this time, Mrs Mallard teaches her babies all about life. The ducklings learned to swim, come when they are called and walk in a single file line.

Essentially Mrs. Mallard taught her ducklings how to be ducks.

My students are very much like the ducklings in the story.

They watch their parents’  every move and learn how to be in the world. Even when it seems like they aren’t paying attention, they are. 

Trust me.

They come to school and tell me that your family has moved into an apartment because your mortgage got too expensive. They also tell me when you’ve been arguing with your spouse. And they even tell me when you are in jail.

It makes me sad that my students and their families are having a rough go of it.

Good friends to have.

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Yesterday we got some disappointing news. Our adoption wait is going to take longer than we first thought. Current circumstances are pushing our wait to the longer 24+ month wait, rather than the optimistic 18-24 month wait. Not the end of the world, but disappointing nonetheless.

It didn’t really sink in until this morning how sad I am about it.

I have been operating on the optimist time frame. I had it in my head that by next school year we’ve have our kiddo at home and instead of trying to teach everyone else’s kids how to read, I’d be home learning how to be a parent.

Not so.

I’m not sure exactly at what moment my disappointment set in, but when the tears started, I wasn’t sure they were going to stop. By the time I reached the school parking lot, I had it pulled together. I figured I’d just muscle through and then come home and continue to be sad.

I slipped through the office unnoticed and made it halfway to my classroom when I encountered some of my colleagues talking to one of my former parents in the hallway. They all greeted me with a warm good morning and my eyes immediately welled up again.

Next thing I knew, I was enveloped in a great big mama teacher hug crying like a baby. Big hugs and kind words followed. I explained what had happened and one reminded me what I already knew… that “our” kid isn’t ready for us yet and when he or she is ready for us, we’ll be there.

Their kindness helped me put our situation in perspective. So it’s going to take a bit longer than we thought, but when it happens it’ll be right.

So thank you dear friends for your support and love.

Don’t worry about things you cannot alter. – Catherine the Great

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Oh Catherine, how right you are.

The last couple weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me at work: I’ve been irritable, short-tempered, exasperated, shocked by the bad attitudes of my students. I have been at my wit’s end trying to figure out why my class had become so ill-behaved. Nothing seemed to motivate them and they didn’t seem to care they were losing out of activities. Kids have been losing recess left and right for not following directions, not being ready to work, being sassy with the teacher. I’ve been making way too many “your kid was naughty at school” contacts with parents.

Apparently, I keep forgetting that I work with eight year olds. If you’ve never worked with kids, you’ve never experienced the joy of seeing the worst parts of yourself reflected back twenty (or thirty!) fold. I guess this is what parents feel every day of their lives.

 If I’m short-tempered, critical and judgmental, guess what I get back. If I am kind, confident and respectful – you get the picture.  Recently, I’ve seem an increase in sassy, sarcastic responses – shocking, I know and really, really unattractive in a third grader. So I decided to alter the only thing I can – my attitude and my classroom management system.

Just to test my boomerang theory of behavior, I reinstated team points in my class. This has worked wonders in years past as well as with this very class until a month ago when I decided they were so great that they didn’t need it anymore. (Remind me of this, should I ever need to take mood altering drugs…. “I feel great! I don’t need to take those pills anymore!”)

I explained to my students that every time their team was ready to work before the one minute timer went off,  they would earn a team point. Since their off task behavior during transitions was DRIVING ME INSANE, I thought I would just focus on this one part for now. 

I made a chart paper point sheet, hung it on the easel in the front of the room, gave them their task and set the timer for one minute. POOF! Like magic, every single one of my students had all their materials out and were ready to work – BEFORE THE TIMER WENT OFF!

Thinking this may have been a fluke, I tried it again with the next transition. I gave them their task, set the timer and off they went to gather their materials. Another successful transition!

And another.

What was the big change you ask? Me. I was looking for what they were doing right, rather than what they were doing wrong. This shift in focus helped alleviate the negativity in the room. One other component I added to our “new” system was the “nag wall” – every time I nagged someone about something they weren’t doing right, I had to give myself a negative point.

Before recess we met as a class to debrief the new system. I asked them to think about what went well, what didn’t go well and if they felt better than the day before. Many students explained that we got a lot more work finished than usual because no one was getting in trouble, that they worked together to be ready, they helped each other and the teacher wasn’t mad anymore. I asked my most previously non-compliant kid why he was suddenly able to be ready and work and he said, “Teacher, I didn’t want you to have to give yourself a negative point because of me!”

I’ve got issues.

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The actual teaching part of the teacher training is kicking my butt. When it’s my turn to teach a pose or two for my fellow tts or during this weekend, our new mamas-to-be, I feel light-headed and I have a hard time hearing anything besides my heart pounding in my ears and my inner critics. Plural. There is so much internal chatter going on that I can’t even really hear exactly what is being said, however I know none of it is complimentary.

Time slows down and I’m no longer able to judge how long we’ve held each pose or if I’m talking too much or too little. Do I sound like I know what I’m talking about? Does my imagery make sense? Is my nervous energy oozing out of every pore or does it just feel like it?  Are they having fun? Why aren’t I? I have fun when I take class. I love yoga so much when other people teach it, why do I struggle so much to enjoy teaching it?

Even when I’m watching the teachers before and after my poses, I have a hard time being in the moment. I’m too focused on what I feel like I’ve done well and beating myself up for anything I feel I didn’t.

To say I experience great anxiety, self-doubt and anxiety would be putting it lightly. I experience something close to dread when it’s time to teach yoga. It’s “funny” given that I teach as my chosen profession and that I truly love the teaching part of my job.

I’m watching my fellow It’s All Yoga Teacher Trainees find their teaching footing and I’m in awe. So many of them are developing their voice and confidence, taking all opportunities to teach with grace and confidence. It’s like watching a bunch of flowers sprout from bulbs in the spring.

I’m feeling the opposite about myself. The crazy thing is that the further into the teacher training, the more my anxiety grows. I feel less ready to take the reins than I did the first day when I felt my teaching experience really benefitted me. Now I feel that experience is so different that it isnt’ as applicable as I first thought it would be. In theory they are very alike, but in practice, I’m finding much less so.

I am having a hard time figuring out exactly where this all comes from. A list of possibilities include: general perfectionist tendencies, feeling like I don’t have the expertise of my teachers (or fellow tts) so why am I in the front of the room? – hello, self-doubt!, not enough time to prepare, etc.

Flu – who is to blame?

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I got sick this week  – sick enough to take two days off work without knowing who my subsitute would be and not really caring as long as I didn’t have to go into work.

I got sick enough I took a whole weekend off from yoga teacher training and well, from everything that didn’t involve laying on the couch or in bed.

I got sick enough that my big accomplishment for the weekend was showering and brushing my teeth.

I got sick enough I googled flu versus cold symptoms and fell decidedly in the flu column with a special shout out to the tiredness, unproductive – yet really, really annoying – cough, and overall body aches. Thursday morning I felt like my body had been worked over with a sock full of oranges Grifters style.

As the weekend progressed and I didn’t magically feel better, I began to wonder if I’d ever feel healthy again. I do this. When I’m sick I feel sorry for myself and to try to assign some blame as to why I got sick. It isn’t enough that it’s one of the worst flu years ever and I am surrounded all day by snotty, sneezy, coughy children. No, I need to know why.

A friend called me this weekend to check on me and her theory about my flu was less about my proximity to the little germ factories and more about totally stressing out about a high profile observation last week at work. And maybe report cards, grading and parent conferences coming up. As it turns out, she may be on to something or so says Parade magazine…

“Stress affects your heart, weight, and skin. It’s also linked with “poorer wound healing, an increased risk for developing depression, the common cold, and influenza, as well as associated with increased symptoms among those with chronic illnesses,” says Dr. Sheldon Cohen, a professor of psychology at Carnegie Mellon.”

So now I’m thinking the big work stressors combined with the little germ factories is probably what made me sick to begin with. Now I’m left wondering how I can counter all those factors…. hmmm, maybe some yoga?

Saturation point

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I’ve reached my saturation point. My brain is officially full. No more new information may be added without something spilling out of my ears.

This week I spent two whole work days being trained in my new math program. The information was a long time coming and welcomed. I have been struggling to manage all the new components of the program: the new manipulatives, the new content, the new scope and sequence, the new teacher’s edition and my mood associated with trying to implement a program I had not been trained to use.

The training was amazing! The new coach hired by our district is professional, well prepared, knowledgable and funny. I now understand what to do, when to do it and most importantly how to do it. The training was originally a five day program that was condensed into two days. You do the math… it went quick and it was a lot of new information!

Today I went back to my class armed with all my new information, lesson plans and management ideas. Math was so much better today than all the other days combined.

After school today all the grade level teachers met to talk about – you guessed it – MATH! Again, excellent ideas and another well prepared, well executed meeting with ideas to take back to the class tomorrow and immediately implement.

Then I came home tonight and started working on my yoga teacher training homework. I had to re-do my anatomy quiz so I dove right in and started working. I got out the books and went on a good old fashioned information search. I turned it in (fingers crossed!) and now I’m sitting here with a headache and feeling of dread that I can not maintain this pace.

Which brings me to the real point… what was I thinking taking on this intensive teacher training during a school year? There are only so many hours in a day and only so much new information a person can take on at any one time. I’ve reached the point where I can’t take in any more information or do any more assignments.

Maybe tomorrow I can try it again.

Too Much Work Makes Teacher Grumpy

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Tomorrow my favorite band, Old97s, are playing in San Francisco for FREE in the DAYLIGHT and I’m not going.

Isn’t this the same band I’ve seen every time they’ve come to the West Coast in the last 10 years?

Isn’t this the same band I saw three times in one week?

In two states?

Isn’t this the band I have a 13-year-old girl obsession with since I was in my 20s?

Yep.

And I’m not going.

Why you ask?

I’ve got too much work to do.

I’ve got teacher work to do: grading, progress reports, lesson plans, goals for my evaluation and I’ve got TONS of yoga homework to do. I’ve also got a dryer sitting on my porch mocking me.

Poor me.

Sometimes it sucks being a responsible grown up.

That’s really all I wanted to say.

That and I’m hella going to their show in January!

We are all alone in this world/from cradle to grave/and maybe after that. – Rhett Miller (Like Love)

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A boy in my class keeps crying.  His shoulders shake, his nose runs, big wet tears fall on his desk. The other kids try not to notice. It’s quite a spectacle. He keeps telling me he misses his mom and wants to go home. I keep handing him tissues and saying that we’re just going to keep on working. Eventually the sobs subside and he resumes being a seven-year old boy vaguely interested in what we’re doing for a while and then he forgets he’s sad and he’s right in the fray. 

At recess today, he took himself to the office. He found someone to talk to. She brought him back to class and told me his family is having a hard time. I promised I’d take good care of him and after some more tears, he got back to work and forgot he was sad again.

 At the last recess I caught up with him and asked him what’s going on. He said his parents have been fighting and that his dad is going to move out. He also said that his dad has a car this time, so it’ll be better than last time. We sat down on the picnic benches in the semi-shade and chatted a bit more.

 I wondered aloud why he kept saying he missed his mom when it was his dad that was moving out. He told me it’s because he worries about her. My eyes teared up for a second. I asked him if he was the oldest kid in the family because I assumed he was taking it all in because he was the oldest. He reminded me that I had already met one of his older sisters and he went on to complain about how his older sisters were mean to him and his little brother.

 Right before he hopped up to play I reminded him we were going to have another chapter in the read aloud – Stone Fox. He just smiled and ran away.

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{for more rhett miller – click here}

It sneaks up on you even if you aren’t looking- school week 2

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This year is one of big changes. At work we’ve got a new: VP, math curriculum, lesson plan format, accountability standards and direct instruction model. Let’s also not forget all the new kids that were previously in private school and therefore haven’t been working with the procedures and routines in our curriculum since kindergarten. Can you say freaking out?!?

My personal life is also full of huge changes.  The most obvious biggies are my yoga teacher training and our impending adoption.  Nothing like taking huge projects on all at the same time… (no time like the present, right?)

The first week of school when I didn’t know who was going to be in my class or even how many would be in my class I found myself with very sore teeth from constantly clenching my jaw. It’s as if I forgot all my summer vacation/ yoga teacher training goodness (where was my patience? and lightheartedness?) . I seemingly picked up my prickly, itchy wool school-year-grumpy-teacher-sweater and put it on despite the stifling heat. Once I entered the building, it looked like I picked up right where I left off.

Or so I thought. 

The second week of school (coincidentally the very day I found out the number of students in my class and the names of all of them) I felt some my summer vacay goodness return. After I moved my students to my favorite desk configuration, I audibly sighed (I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath for a week!) and felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I found myself standing straighter, my jaw unclench, my breathing deepen and my soul feel lighter. What a difference!

As a result of this physical release, I found myself more relaxed and present in the moment. I found myself smiling  during instruction and showing so much more patience than usual. Time flew by and kids were busily working as if they’d been in my class for months. We looked and acted like a highly functioning team. I even sang some instructions to lighten it up a bit and a boy in my class looked up at me smiling and said, “Teacher you sing a lot!”

So even though I feel like I’ve been not giving my full attention or even what’s left of my attention to my YTT the last couple weeks, the message is still being received. Stay present, do the work and the practice will take care of itself.

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I Teach, Therefore I Suffer

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All this talk of not having expectations and being ok with the process is killing me at work.

We spend a lot of time at work talking about expectations, meeting expectations, telling kids about our expectations. It appears there is a heavy emphasis on outcome. It’s hard to remember learning is a process when there is such a high level of expectation or being attached to a particular outcome.

I returned to school last week and have already found myself suffering because things aren’t going as “expected” or as I planned. I’m trying to be kind to myself and others (hello Metta in the morning!), however it’s a tall order right now. I plan to cultivate a sense of patience (faith and confidence) in the learning process and remind myself and my students that if they do the work then the outcome will take care of itself.

For now, I will remind myself I’m not saving people’s lives, I am teaching them how to read. I’ll also try to remember that we have a new chance for learning everyday over the next nine and a half months and that everything doesn’t have to happen TODAY.

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Yoga is like falling in love. It’s hard to explain to people that haven’t experienced it themselves.

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In the interest of self-care, today I’m reposting my first ever post. 

Many of you haven’t seen this yet. It’s where the story began.

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Today was the first day of my 200 hour yoga teacher training.  My first thoughts are that I’m so glad I’m doing this now and with these people. I have been working the front desk and practicing regularly at the studio for more than a year now. Looking around the room I saw mostly familiar people I’ve practiced with many times.  I’m looking forward to practicing and learning from everyone – not just Michelle and the IAY gals. 

Why here?

It’s All Yoga is the closest slice of yoga heaven I’ve ever experienced. The teachers, without exception, exhibit kindness, generosity of spirit, humor and wisdom beyond their years.  The space itself is an inspiration in green living and the studio’s commitment to the environment is evident. I spend all my spare time trying to drag everyone I know into the studio to share in the goodness.

Why now?

I’ve been flirting with a regular yoga practice for years. I took my first class more than 10 years ago and thought I’d never experience anything so amazing. Fast forward to summer 2006 when I did my first “summer school” (3 unlimited months of yoga) at IAY and I discovered that amazing feeling only compounded with regularity. School years take an obscene amount of energy the first few years of a teacher’s career and so my regular practice suffered when “real life” returned after the summer break.

Last summer I started “Desk Diva-ing” and the rest is history. Instead of exclusively focusing on my teaching job this last school year, I devoted several days a week to my yoga practice. Working the desk committed me to two days a week and sometimes that is all I could do. Other weeks I found myself on my mat many more – sometimes even at home! 

Over this past year, my mat became my friend and sometimes my enemy. I spent a lot of time crying on my mat – frustration at my body’s limitations, envious of other people’s strength and flexibility, sadness because of some fertility issues, grief because of past trauma, family illnesses and deaths.

It wasn’t all tears (although sometimes it felt that way). Connection, joy, self acceptance, love, dare I say – divinity have also been present on my mat. Had those been there all along? Had I missed them always living in the past and the future? Would I keep experiencing them if I continue to practice?

This new regular practice helped me take my yoga (non-competitiveness, loving-kindness, openheartedness) into my classroom as well. I am looking forward to seeing what this deeper self exploration means for me and my students over the next few months as I delve deeper into a practice I’m falling in love with.