Make Way for Ducklings

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In third grade we read a story called Make Way for Duckings by Robert McCloskey. MWFD is the story of the Mallard family. The Mallards are trying to find a safe place to raise their babies in the Public Garden in Boston. A friendly policeman named Michael stops traffic to help the family cross the busy city street. The big lesson I teach my class about this story is that people have a responsiblity to protect wildlife.

Recently I have been thinking about a different part of the story.

Once the Mallards find a suitable home, Mr. Mallard takes a weeklong trip up the river leaving Mrs. Mallard on her own with their eight ducklings. During this time, Mrs Mallard teaches her babies all about life. The ducklings learned to swim, come when they are called and walk in a single file line.

Essentially Mrs. Mallard taught her ducklings how to be ducks.

My students are very much like the ducklings in the story.

They watch their parents’  every move and learn how to be in the world. Even when it seems like they aren’t paying attention, they are. 

Trust me.

They come to school and tell me that your family has moved into an apartment because your mortgage got too expensive. They also tell me when you’ve been arguing with your spouse. And they even tell me when you are in jail.

It makes me sad that my students and their families are having a rough go of it.

Good friends to have.

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Yesterday we got some disappointing news. Our adoption wait is going to take longer than we first thought. Current circumstances are pushing our wait to the longer 24+ month wait, rather than the optimistic 18-24 month wait. Not the end of the world, but disappointing nonetheless.

It didn’t really sink in until this morning how sad I am about it.

I have been operating on the optimist time frame. I had it in my head that by next school year we’ve have our kiddo at home and instead of trying to teach everyone else’s kids how to read, I’d be home learning how to be a parent.

Not so.

I’m not sure exactly at what moment my disappointment set in, but when the tears started, I wasn’t sure they were going to stop. By the time I reached the school parking lot, I had it pulled together. I figured I’d just muscle through and then come home and continue to be sad.

I slipped through the office unnoticed and made it halfway to my classroom when I encountered some of my colleagues talking to one of my former parents in the hallway. They all greeted me with a warm good morning and my eyes immediately welled up again.

Next thing I knew, I was enveloped in a great big mama teacher hug crying like a baby. Big hugs and kind words followed. I explained what had happened and one reminded me what I already knew… that “our” kid isn’t ready for us yet and when he or she is ready for us, we’ll be there.

Their kindness helped me put our situation in perspective. So it’s going to take a bit longer than we thought, but when it happens it’ll be right.

So thank you dear friends for your support and love.

Simple Ways Not to Lose Your Marbles During the Holidays

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Today I took a workshop with Mary Paffard of Yoga Mendocino. She is the beloved teacher of many of my It’s All Yoga teachers. Mary comes to Sacramento occasionally to do workshops.

Today’s topic: The Serene Heart.

Here’s some of the highlights:

1. We (Westerners, Americans, you, me) need to rest more. (HA! I knew it!)

2. Starting the day with a little yoga or meditation can set the tone for the remainder of your day.

3. If the beginning of the day doesn’t work, try a little yoga or meditation at the end of the day before you go to bed.

4. By a little yoga, I mean a little. One or two restorative poses. That’s it.

Maybe a little Viparita Karani (Legs-up-the-wall) or Supta Baddha Konasana (Reclining Bound Angle Pose). I like to set myself up in both these poses and then cover my eyes with a lavender eye pillow and then cover my body with a blanket.

5. Pause, pause, pause. At the sound of every bell you hear during the day, pause. Close your eyes and take a deep breath.

6. Go into nature and observe. We have a lot to learn from the natural world about how we would be better served by slowing down during the cold dark months.

7. You have to give up some thing, to get some thing else. In other words, I have give up some time in order to gain some peace. Seems like a fair trade.

8.  When all else fails, take to your bed. Take a day off from the outside world and hang out in bed. Don’t wait until you are sick to do this. Schedule a pajama day and enjoy it.

Image Source: We Heart It

Looking for a few good students.

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We are officially in the student teaching part of our yoga teacher training at It’s All Yoga. Now we just need students. If you have been wanting to try yoga, this is your chance. Please join us.

December 18, 4:30-5:30pm ~ Free Class! Join us, the teacher trainees, for a free all-level class.

21st and X Street, Midtown, Sacramento.

www.itsallyoga.com for more information

My Yoga Manifesto – Part I – REST

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Manifesto: a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives, as one issued by a government, sovereign, or organization (or in this case, yoga teacher).

tami2012

I. REST

I believe in resting a lot in yoga class. Sometimes I lay down flat on my back like a pancake, sometimes in constructive rest, and other times I rest with my forehead on the floor in child’s pose. Sometimes I sit on a block and drink water while looking at the shapes other people make with their bodies.  [So beautiful, the human body, all those different shapes and sizes, lines and angles…]

Why do I rest? Partly because I work so hard doing everything else in my life and I’m tired.

I rest partly because I’ve had excellent teachers that remind me to rest when I’m tired or to not push past my edge.  [ BIG THANKS to the teachers at It’s All Yoga in Sacramento for teaching me this lesson!]

I rest partly because it feels good once you get past the weird ego thing of ‘I’m in yoga class and I must do everything better than everyone else.‘ Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about.

At this point, I consider my resting  in yoga class a public service.

I rest so that all those people that might want to rest can look at me and think “Oh thank god, someone else is resting, I can rest too.”

I know this happens because it used to happen to me. A lot. I’d want to come out of a pose, but I didn’t want everyone to know I needed to rest so I just powered through it.

One day something clicked in my head and I decided it was my mission to make people feel ok about resting.  By being the first to rest, I am modeling the behavior I would like to see in others.  Now when I see people listening to their inner voices telling them to rest and they actually do, I feel I’ve done my work here.

We keep joking in my teacher training class that I should open a studio someday that only offers 90 minutes classes of Savasana. I know I’d want to come to the class where rest is not only ok, but encouraged, so maybe other people would too.

If you are one of those people that doesn’t think they need to rest (I know about your kind….) I think you should rest too.

You’ll thank me later.

Worry list

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I thought I would share a current list of things that are weighing on my brain. Maybe getting them out of my head will help sort them out and give me some perspective.

1. Our adoption. I’m worried it’s not actually going to happen. In the words of Tom Petty, “The waiting is the hardest part.” Indeed.

2. Next school year…. Will I be teaching? Where will I be teaching? What grade will I be teaching?

Seems some changes may be happening and if I’m going to be teaching I’d like to know now who, what and where. Not so much on the last minute changes by other people. Just sayin.

3. If our adoption does go through in the next few months, how will I survive the travel? 

Jet lag + humidity + extreme heat + anxiety = bad news for Tami.

4. How will I handle the transition to parenthood? Will we really be able to live on one income?

5. Will I teach yoga? Where will that take me?

6. Ok, the thinking about the extreme Thailand heat got me thinking about the summer weather here. Will I ever get used to the heat in Sacramento? I really hate it. Seriously. Once it starts, sometimes I feel like it’s never going to stop and that freaks me out.

Will yoga help with…?

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The short answer I’ve got for the question “Will yoga help with my….?”  is YES!!!

Here’s what yoga has helped me with so far.

This is by no means a complete list.

1. Touching my toes.

2. Getting the knot the size of Idaho out from under of my shoulder-blade which had been implanted there at birth.

3. Quieting the symphony of critics, judges, voices, whatever you want to call them – you know that thing that keeps you feeling bad about yourself.

4. Breathing more deeply.

5. Letting shit go.

6. Feeling better in my body.

7. Not thinking I’m fat anymore despite being heavier than I’ve ever been.

8. Lightening the hell up.

9. Judging less.

10. Laughing more.

11. Singing more.

12. Trying more.

13. Quitting less.

14. Taking more healthy risks. Hello, inversions!

15. Taking less unhealthy risks. Bourbon? Not never, but not so much.

16. Smiling more.

17. Interacting with strangers more.

18. Liking strangers more.

19. Liking people in general more.

20. Slowing down.

21. Beating myself up less.

22. Sleeping better.

23. Less PMS.

24. More hugs.

25. Letting go of the past.

26. Embracing the now.

27. Not agonizing about the future.

28. Finding, recognizing, and admiring kindness in myself and others.

29. Cracking open my heart.

30. Crying more.

31. Props are there to support you.

32. Support feels good.

33. I live for corpse pose!

34. Feeling like I’ve had a massage.

If you’d like to feel one of the above things, please try some yoga. I’d really recommend coming to It’s All Yoga in Sacramento because it’s through the loving kindness that I’ve received from my teachers I’ve learned all these lessons and have been inspired to teach them to others.

If you don’t live in Sacramento, then search for a place that feels like home. Don’t settle for yoga-cize or the competitive “no pain, no gain” classes at the gym or high fashion studio. It’s worth it to find your yoga home.

I have found mine.

Letting go a little improves life. Letting go a lot brings happiness and joy. — Jim McGregor

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Letting go for me is a relatively recent phenomenon. Up until about a year ago, I was your go-to gal for righting the wrongs in life – big and small. You could hardly find a fight where I didn’t have a dog in the ready or a sword to fall on. However, I realized I was exhausted from carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. As a result, I’ve been practicing letting things go.

In the beginning it was really hard to let things go. I definitely had to practice. In fact, it was a serious fake it, til you make it kind of a deal. Someone would do or say something stupid and I’d have to make a choice on how to react. Most times I’d mutter to myself through clenched teeth, “Whatevs” or “Look at me, letting it go…”

You know what I learned from letting things go? The world kept revolving, the sun came up, the seasons changed and life just kept on going. I also learned I felt better about the world. I slept better. My face started to clear up and my back muscles were more relaxed. I laughed more and I had more fun.

I thought I had this beast tamed until I started this program. The anxiety around teaching and the pressure to get all the work done — and failing miserably despite my efforts not to —  was really wearing me down. It was coming out in how I was treating myself and dredging up all those yucky feelings of not being good enough.  Not fun.

I talked to my teacher about my feelings and she gave me some really good perspective. She reminded me that we aren’t working in the emergency room, so no one’s life is at stake. I was glad for the reminder that we’re not saving babies here. She offered loving words of encouragement, told me that I didn’t sound nearly as maniacal as I felt and that over time I’d feel more comfortable teaching.

So rather than grip to those anxious feelings and let them keep me from teaching, I decided to jump back in. Yesterday I opened a small class with some other TTs. I spent my 15 minutes guiding my students through some gentle movements and offering a reading as a theme for our practice. While I was in the front of the group I decided to just do what felt good and to breathe. A lot. Admittedly, there may have been too many audible sighs, but I suppose that’s better than not enough.

The point being, I taught yoga without freaking out!

Lighten up, Francis.  –words to live by.

Don’t worry about things you cannot alter. – Catherine the Great

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Oh Catherine, how right you are.

The last couple weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me at work: I’ve been irritable, short-tempered, exasperated, shocked by the bad attitudes of my students. I have been at my wit’s end trying to figure out why my class had become so ill-behaved. Nothing seemed to motivate them and they didn’t seem to care they were losing out of activities. Kids have been losing recess left and right for not following directions, not being ready to work, being sassy with the teacher. I’ve been making way too many “your kid was naughty at school” contacts with parents.

Apparently, I keep forgetting that I work with eight year olds. If you’ve never worked with kids, you’ve never experienced the joy of seeing the worst parts of yourself reflected back twenty (or thirty!) fold. I guess this is what parents feel every day of their lives.

 If I’m short-tempered, critical and judgmental, guess what I get back. If I am kind, confident and respectful – you get the picture.  Recently, I’ve seem an increase in sassy, sarcastic responses – shocking, I know and really, really unattractive in a third grader. So I decided to alter the only thing I can – my attitude and my classroom management system.

Just to test my boomerang theory of behavior, I reinstated team points in my class. This has worked wonders in years past as well as with this very class until a month ago when I decided they were so great that they didn’t need it anymore. (Remind me of this, should I ever need to take mood altering drugs…. “I feel great! I don’t need to take those pills anymore!”)

I explained to my students that every time their team was ready to work before the one minute timer went off,  they would earn a team point. Since their off task behavior during transitions was DRIVING ME INSANE, I thought I would just focus on this one part for now. 

I made a chart paper point sheet, hung it on the easel in the front of the room, gave them their task and set the timer for one minute. POOF! Like magic, every single one of my students had all their materials out and were ready to work – BEFORE THE TIMER WENT OFF!

Thinking this may have been a fluke, I tried it again with the next transition. I gave them their task, set the timer and off they went to gather their materials. Another successful transition!

And another.

What was the big change you ask? Me. I was looking for what they were doing right, rather than what they were doing wrong. This shift in focus helped alleviate the negativity in the room. One other component I added to our “new” system was the “nag wall” – every time I nagged someone about something they weren’t doing right, I had to give myself a negative point.

Before recess we met as a class to debrief the new system. I asked them to think about what went well, what didn’t go well and if they felt better than the day before. Many students explained that we got a lot more work finished than usual because no one was getting in trouble, that they worked together to be ready, they helped each other and the teacher wasn’t mad anymore. I asked my most previously non-compliant kid why he was suddenly able to be ready and work and he said, “Teacher, I didn’t want you to have to give yourself a negative point because of me!”

I’ve got issues.

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The actual teaching part of the teacher training is kicking my butt. When it’s my turn to teach a pose or two for my fellow tts or during this weekend, our new mamas-to-be, I feel light-headed and I have a hard time hearing anything besides my heart pounding in my ears and my inner critics. Plural. There is so much internal chatter going on that I can’t even really hear exactly what is being said, however I know none of it is complimentary.

Time slows down and I’m no longer able to judge how long we’ve held each pose or if I’m talking too much or too little. Do I sound like I know what I’m talking about? Does my imagery make sense? Is my nervous energy oozing out of every pore or does it just feel like it?  Are they having fun? Why aren’t I? I have fun when I take class. I love yoga so much when other people teach it, why do I struggle so much to enjoy teaching it?

Even when I’m watching the teachers before and after my poses, I have a hard time being in the moment. I’m too focused on what I feel like I’ve done well and beating myself up for anything I feel I didn’t.

To say I experience great anxiety, self-doubt and anxiety would be putting it lightly. I experience something close to dread when it’s time to teach yoga. It’s “funny” given that I teach as my chosen profession and that I truly love the teaching part of my job.

I’m watching my fellow It’s All Yoga Teacher Trainees find their teaching footing and I’m in awe. So many of them are developing their voice and confidence, taking all opportunities to teach with grace and confidence. It’s like watching a bunch of flowers sprout from bulbs in the spring.

I’m feeling the opposite about myself. The crazy thing is that the further into the teacher training, the more my anxiety grows. I feel less ready to take the reins than I did the first day when I felt my teaching experience really benefitted me. Now I feel that experience is so different that it isnt’ as applicable as I first thought it would be. In theory they are very alike, but in practice, I’m finding much less so.

I am having a hard time figuring out exactly where this all comes from. A list of possibilities include: general perfectionist tendencies, feeling like I don’t have the expertise of my teachers (or fellow tts) so why am I in the front of the room? – hello, self-doubt!, not enough time to prepare, etc.

Flu – who is to blame?

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I got sick this week  – sick enough to take two days off work without knowing who my subsitute would be and not really caring as long as I didn’t have to go into work.

I got sick enough I took a whole weekend off from yoga teacher training and well, from everything that didn’t involve laying on the couch or in bed.

I got sick enough that my big accomplishment for the weekend was showering and brushing my teeth.

I got sick enough I googled flu versus cold symptoms and fell decidedly in the flu column with a special shout out to the tiredness, unproductive – yet really, really annoying – cough, and overall body aches. Thursday morning I felt like my body had been worked over with a sock full of oranges Grifters style.

As the weekend progressed and I didn’t magically feel better, I began to wonder if I’d ever feel healthy again. I do this. When I’m sick I feel sorry for myself and to try to assign some blame as to why I got sick. It isn’t enough that it’s one of the worst flu years ever and I am surrounded all day by snotty, sneezy, coughy children. No, I need to know why.

A friend called me this weekend to check on me and her theory about my flu was less about my proximity to the little germ factories and more about totally stressing out about a high profile observation last week at work. And maybe report cards, grading and parent conferences coming up. As it turns out, she may be on to something or so says Parade magazine…

“Stress affects your heart, weight, and skin. It’s also linked with “poorer wound healing, an increased risk for developing depression, the common cold, and influenza, as well as associated with increased symptoms among those with chronic illnesses,” says Dr. Sheldon Cohen, a professor of psychology at Carnegie Mellon.”

So now I’m thinking the big work stressors combined with the little germ factories is probably what made me sick to begin with. Now I’m left wondering how I can counter all those factors…. hmmm, maybe some yoga?

Clutter, clutter everywhere!

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I have a confession to make.  I spend way too much time on my computer. Shocking, I know. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I truly understood my obsession/addiction to all things web based.

This week as part of our teacher training homework we were asked to do a fast. When I first read the word “fast” I thought Michelle was asking us to go without food for a day. My first thought was that there was no way that was going to happen. Then when I read the assignment a little closer I realized she was asking for us to look for a place in our life where we were experiencing overload and to take a one day break from how we ususally spend our time.

Here’s the assignment:

Shauca and 5th Chakra are both about clearing, clarity, purity. In honor of that, let’s do a one-day fast. Consider what you need to fast on…where do you proliferate, clutter, confuse your life unnecessarily?  Chose one aspect of your life and create the intention to cleanse in that direction.  It may be the simple act of not taking in any stimulant of any sort: tea, coffee, sugar, alcohol, etc.  It may be a cleanse of TV, radio, movies, papers.  It may be a fast of email and phone obsession. You chose the topic and the day. Comments?

 Here are my notes on my day without the internet….

INTENTION: One day fast = no internet 10/18/09. Instead of tweeting, Facebooking, Googling, Yelping and emailing all day I’m going to work on cleaning house, grading papers, lesson planning and reading books. Then I’m going out to dinner with my Jeddy and possibly going to the movies.

 REALITY: Got up at 7:30 and immediately thought I need to check my Twitter and Facebook. Then I remembered my fast and started tidying up and organizing my very unorganized stuff.

First stop: the snack shelf in the kitchen. The plethora of nuts, dried fruits and seeds was unruly and uncontrollable. Enter basket from the laundry room and now it’s all tidy. Just that small step feels like a huge victory against the clutter.

Next stop: the coffee table/couch/otherwise known as my “office”.  I took everything off and from under the coffee table. Holy moly – the treasures found there! Armed with the garbage and recycling bin I made three huge piles of keepers: yoga, adoption and work. Shocking that those piles were huge, given that is all I’m doing these days. I also found a huge pile of shoes, but that’s a whole other post! 

I dusted the living room and realized part of my problem is that my yoga stuff doesn’t have a home other than on and under the coffee table. I took care of that problem by tackling the bookshelf next to the front door. Again armed with the recycling bin, garbage can and my 3 piles I got to work on that. Shocking! Another treasure trove: yoga, adoption and work. More shoes, scarves and jackets too!! 

Now that the bookshelf was cleaned off, I put all my yoga stuff in one place. All my books finally have a home! I searched the house for all of them and now they live on the bookshelf by the front door. I vacuumed underneath the couch and the chair in my “office” and I felt like a new person!

 Work stuff is now organized and returning to work with me Monday morning. Adoption stuff is going with the other adoption stuff. Ahhhhhh…. space!

 It turns out clutter busting is contagious! Jed’s “office” – the dining room table – sits directly across from my office – the couch. His piles of crap were bugging me too. He was inspired to clean it off. Now the “view”  from my office is better too!

 Next stop: my closet.  Underneath all the piles of stuff shoved in there were the last remnants of my last big organization day. It only took about 30 minutes to clear out all the unwanted clothes that I threw in there over the last year. I made Jeddy take them to a green donation box because I am good at getting stuff out of my closet, but not so good at getting them all the way out of the house. Then I put away all my clean laundry from last weekend, made my bed dusted and vacuumed. Another clean, organized room!

 Jeddy, still inspired by my frantic work, washed all the dishes and emptied the dishwasher. I washed down all the surfaces in the kitchen.  Another clean room!

In between all the cleaning, I also graded some exams, filled in scan trons, started grading writing and thinking about report cards and upcoming parent teacher conferences.

At dinner time Jed and I went out and enjoyed conversation. We finished the day by watching two episodes of Dexter. While we were watching I realized how much I’ve been splitting my attention because for once I was watching without my computer sitting on my lap. True confessions! I watch TV while working on my computer – multitasking at its worst!

Admittedly, during every activity I was wondering what was going on with everyone I know. I am so used to knowing what people are doing “right now” that it felt strange being so far removed. I thought many times of all the things I needed (including my mile long to-do list still on my email), but I kept my promise to myself all day and never went online. 

 This fast is exactly what I needed. My physical space was closing in on me and I really felt like I wasn’t doing my part around the house and it showed. I’m now feeling better about that. I’m also feeling the sense of accomplishment that comes only with physical work and the space that comes with getting rid of unnecessary clutter.

In addition to the clearing of my physical space, my mind felt focused and uncluttered for the first time in a long time. I had the time and space to think about what I needed to do and the focus to accomplish a very long list of tasks.

 In doing this assignment I also learned something that I think I already knew. I spend WAAAAAAAYYY too much time online! I’ve decided I’m going to have to set limits on my media time so I can get more done and have this feeling more often.

Saturation point

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I’ve reached my saturation point. My brain is officially full. No more new information may be added without something spilling out of my ears.

This week I spent two whole work days being trained in my new math program. The information was a long time coming and welcomed. I have been struggling to manage all the new components of the program: the new manipulatives, the new content, the new scope and sequence, the new teacher’s edition and my mood associated with trying to implement a program I had not been trained to use.

The training was amazing! The new coach hired by our district is professional, well prepared, knowledgable and funny. I now understand what to do, when to do it and most importantly how to do it. The training was originally a five day program that was condensed into two days. You do the math… it went quick and it was a lot of new information!

Today I went back to my class armed with all my new information, lesson plans and management ideas. Math was so much better today than all the other days combined.

After school today all the grade level teachers met to talk about – you guessed it – MATH! Again, excellent ideas and another well prepared, well executed meeting with ideas to take back to the class tomorrow and immediately implement.

Then I came home tonight and started working on my yoga teacher training homework. I had to re-do my anatomy quiz so I dove right in and started working. I got out the books and went on a good old fashioned information search. I turned it in (fingers crossed!) and now I’m sitting here with a headache and feeling of dread that I can not maintain this pace.

Which brings me to the real point… what was I thinking taking on this intensive teacher training during a school year? There are only so many hours in a day and only so much new information a person can take on at any one time. I’ve reached the point where I can’t take in any more information or do any more assignments.

Maybe tomorrow I can try it again.

Feeling like family

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Another teacher training weekend down. We have officially made the halfway mark and Friday night during Chakra Friday all I wanted to do was lie down. I didn’t, however my thoughts were there.

Saturday morning I woke up early after sleeping for almost 9 hours. Again, all I wanted to do was lie down. I went back to bed for a couple of hours before our long day. I woke up feeling slightly better than I did when I went down. I drove to the studio and spent the first few hours in a fog. Eventually the sore throat and headache I woke up with went away.

Today I woke up feeling like a new person.

I think I was feeling exhausted from the first month and a half of school, the first three months on teacher training and some fall allergies. Taking the time to rest and feeling well cared for by my teacher and fellow ytts really helped reenergize me for yesterday’s Yang practice and today’s long anatomy lesson.

Thanks to Michelle and the other cool kids at ytt for taking such good care of me this weekend. It feels like we’ve really become a family.

Too Much Work Makes Teacher Grumpy

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Tomorrow my favorite band, Old97s, are playing in San Francisco for FREE in the DAYLIGHT and I’m not going.

Isn’t this the same band I’ve seen every time they’ve come to the West Coast in the last 10 years?

Isn’t this the same band I saw three times in one week?

In two states?

Isn’t this the band I have a 13-year-old girl obsession with since I was in my 20s?

Yep.

And I’m not going.

Why you ask?

I’ve got too much work to do.

I’ve got teacher work to do: grading, progress reports, lesson plans, goals for my evaluation and I’ve got TONS of yoga homework to do. I’ve also got a dryer sitting on my porch mocking me.

Poor me.

Sometimes it sucks being a responsible grown up.

That’s really all I wanted to say.

That and I’m hella going to their show in January!

It could happen to you.

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Public crying… for some it’s no big deal.

It’s the bane of my very existence. 

Here’s the story.

I hate crying.

I know it’s a natural response to frustration and hurt and a myriad of other emotions, but it still sucks. As a kid, crying wasn’t welcome in our house.  I grew up with the feeling that it somehow made you seem weak if you showed your hand.

This is not to say I was a stiff upper lip kind of kid, not by any means. I cried at the drop of the hat, but I never felt good about my crying.

I think this may have scarred me, but there it is.

Since becoming a grown up I have tried like hell to keep my tears to myself. Or at least to my closest friends, but sometimes they come out anyway. Even when I don’t want them to.

My most recent display of public crying was this past Friday during our first pose of the day — Baddha Konasana– soles of the feet together, knees splayed out like a butterfly – big hip opener. We were asked to lean our torso over the bent knees and rest.

The way my eyes filled as soon as my knees fell open you would have thought they were a faucet connected to my tear ducts.

Lift the knee up, tears slow down.

Knee down, tears fall.

Much to my chagrin they didn’t stop when I brought my knees up, only slowed a bit. It was almost comical at no matter how hard I tried to keep those tears from falling, they just rained down on my feet and mat.

My inner dialogue? 

WHY AM I CRYING?

Why now?

What is this about?

Is something hurting?

Am I sick?

Am I too tired?

Am I losing my marbles?

Why won’t they stop?

Good god, does anyone notice?

Oh goodie, there goes my nose. It’s like the power sprayer on the nozzle.

Could I be any father away from the box of tissue or a towel!?!

I guess I’ll have to tip toe to the back and try to regain my composure…

During our last session of teacher training we spent some time talking about crying in yoga class and what if anything teachers should do. You may be asking yourself why this is important enough of an issue to devote any time to during a teacher training, but crying in yoga happens a lot.

If you spend enough time on the mat you may find yourself either trying to hold back tears or trying not to slip on the ones that got out despite your best efforts. Or you may just witness someone else lose control of their tear ducts and be happy it isn’t you.

After class we were asked to write what we would do if a student in one of our classes was overwhelmed by emotion that resulted in crying.  I googled the topic to see what the “experts” had to say. I was surprised by my findings. There are articles written about it and many blog posts on the subject. 

Theories abound about why people experience deep outpouring of emotions during yoga: long ago trauma stored in the nooks and crannies of the body, tension release, quieting of the mind, taking care of oneself, and the list goes on and on.

The research was in vain because I already knew what I would do based on my own experience as an accidental crier.

LEAVE THEM ALONE.

Of course, I love that my teacher quietly checked in with me with a “Anything I can do?” and then left me alone.  For me this crying business is hard enough without anyone calling attention to it. A brief check in, a tissue and that’s all I need and/or want. 

It’s my hope that by sharing this with people they will understand that crying in yoga happens to a lot of people and that it is a completely natural response to this kind of deep body work. It is also my hope that when this kind of emotion is brought up for someone in one of my classes I will provide them the same level of comfort and privacy offered to me.

Props versus ego

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This weekend in YTT we had a section called “Pose Lab.” The idea is let’s have a couple people that struggle in certain poses do them in front of the group and the group offers tips on how to make the pose more comfortable and create more space in the body.

I, along with some other dog sufferers, volunteered today. Adho Mukha Svanasana, more commonly known as Downward facing dog, has been my nemesis from the beginning of my practice. Many teachers say this is a “resting” pose or a neutralizing pose, but I’ve never found it to be either.  My shoulders are scrunched up by my ears until it looks like I’m wearing fancy flesh earrings, my hands pucker up, my wrists scream, my heals float above the mat, my upper back pushes through toward the floor and the monkeys in my mind hop around like they’ve been hitting the crack pipe. Needless to say, I don’t find dog to be restful or neutral.

 The first day of teacher training our lovely Aunt Mads grabbed a wedge from the prop cart and said, ‘Here try this!” I don’t know why she said this, maybe she saw my grimmace or me rolling my wrists or coming down before everyone else. Maybe she’s just magic. Who cares?

I put the blue foam wedge under my mat, pushed my hands into it. With the wrist compression eased, I found the much talked about comfort in this pose for the very first time. I was amazed that that little piece of foam could totally transform my feelings about this pose and in this pose. My wrists, now at a 45 degree angle, instead of the traditional 90, felt open and lifted. My shoulders felt freer, especially when moved more toward the corner of my mat and I pointed my fingers out a bit. Spaciousness was mine!

So in love with this new found friend, the wonderful wedge, that when I did some assisting in Madeleine’s Yoga Basics class I trotted out the wedge for all to try. I made some speech about how using props can really relieve discomfort in some poses so that you can really feel the pose without the pain. Happily, most of them tried it and some found the same kind of relief.

Enter my ego. I don’t want to be that yogi. You know the one that can’t do anything unless she has all the right stuff. I’ve been struggling recently with the idea of props being crutches or for people who can’t really do yoga. Now mind you, I’m not judging anyone else on their use of props, just mine.

Iyengar’s book “Light on Yoga” talks about how props free people from fear and help them build the sense of the pose with confidence. He seems to believe that it’s still real yoga if you are using props, so what’s my issue?

Ego. Ego. Ego.

So in today’s Pose Lab, I went into down dog without any props. It was silent at first, but I swear I could actually feel their concern for my comfort. My tshirt was bunched up about my shoulders creating what I am guessing to be an awesome looking pair of earrings and there were hands everywhere moving it out of the way. Then there were hands offering support and guidance to remove my shoulder earrings.

Finally someone offered me a wedge. I came down out of the pose, placed my old friend under my mat and came back into dog. The energy in the room changed. There were gasps of “Oh so much better!” “Wow, look at her neck!” “That looks so much more comfortable!” All of which were true.

Just for fun, I also tried a wedge under my heels. Being supported under my feet and my hands made down dog feel both comfortable and spacious. What a concept!

It’s my hope that I can learn from this experience. My yoga, it seems, is less about doing what everyone else can do and to take help where I need it.

We are all alone in this world/from cradle to grave/and maybe after that. – Rhett Miller (Like Love)

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A boy in my class keeps crying.  His shoulders shake, his nose runs, big wet tears fall on his desk. The other kids try not to notice. It’s quite a spectacle. He keeps telling me he misses his mom and wants to go home. I keep handing him tissues and saying that we’re just going to keep on working. Eventually the sobs subside and he resumes being a seven-year old boy vaguely interested in what we’re doing for a while and then he forgets he’s sad and he’s right in the fray. 

At recess today, he took himself to the office. He found someone to talk to. She brought him back to class and told me his family is having a hard time. I promised I’d take good care of him and after some more tears, he got back to work and forgot he was sad again.

 At the last recess I caught up with him and asked him what’s going on. He said his parents have been fighting and that his dad is going to move out. He also said that his dad has a car this time, so it’ll be better than last time. We sat down on the picnic benches in the semi-shade and chatted a bit more.

 I wondered aloud why he kept saying he missed his mom when it was his dad that was moving out. He told me it’s because he worries about her. My eyes teared up for a second. I asked him if he was the oldest kid in the family because I assumed he was taking it all in because he was the oldest. He reminded me that I had already met one of his older sisters and he went on to complain about how his older sisters were mean to him and his little brother.

 Right before he hopped up to play I reminded him we were going to have another chapter in the read aloud – Stone Fox. He just smiled and ran away.

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{for more rhett miller – click here}

It sneaks up on you even if you aren’t looking- school week 2

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This year is one of big changes. At work we’ve got a new: VP, math curriculum, lesson plan format, accountability standards and direct instruction model. Let’s also not forget all the new kids that were previously in private school and therefore haven’t been working with the procedures and routines in our curriculum since kindergarten. Can you say freaking out?!?

My personal life is also full of huge changes.  The most obvious biggies are my yoga teacher training and our impending adoption.  Nothing like taking huge projects on all at the same time… (no time like the present, right?)

The first week of school when I didn’t know who was going to be in my class or even how many would be in my class I found myself with very sore teeth from constantly clenching my jaw. It’s as if I forgot all my summer vacation/ yoga teacher training goodness (where was my patience? and lightheartedness?) . I seemingly picked up my prickly, itchy wool school-year-grumpy-teacher-sweater and put it on despite the stifling heat. Once I entered the building, it looked like I picked up right where I left off.

Or so I thought. 

The second week of school (coincidentally the very day I found out the number of students in my class and the names of all of them) I felt some my summer vacay goodness return. After I moved my students to my favorite desk configuration, I audibly sighed (I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath for a week!) and felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I found myself standing straighter, my jaw unclench, my breathing deepen and my soul feel lighter. What a difference!

As a result of this physical release, I found myself more relaxed and present in the moment. I found myself smiling  during instruction and showing so much more patience than usual. Time flew by and kids were busily working as if they’d been in my class for months. We looked and acted like a highly functioning team. I even sang some instructions to lighten it up a bit and a boy in my class looked up at me smiling and said, “Teacher you sing a lot!”

So even though I feel like I’ve been not giving my full attention or even what’s left of my attention to my YTT the last couple weeks, the message is still being received. Stay present, do the work and the practice will take care of itself.

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Silent speculation

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A friend asked me the other day why I hadn’t written in a while. He wondered if there had been big fall out from the family. I assured him that the opposite was true, that I hadn’t heard a peep from them about the writing.

No, I was silent because I got a little ahead of myself and put my real first draft feelings out on the interwebs and I was struck by how vulnerable I felt.  Then I got all self conscious about all my meandering yammering and well, that was enough inner critic to silence me for a while. 

Right now, honestly I’m not sure how I’m feeling about anything. I’m not finding the love on the mat as much anymore. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m busy dissecting every pose, feeling guilty that I’m not doing enough homework or if I’m just feeling the weight of the school year + the teacher training. In any case, I’m tired.

I Teach, Therefore I Suffer

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All this talk of not having expectations and being ok with the process is killing me at work.

We spend a lot of time at work talking about expectations, meeting expectations, telling kids about our expectations. It appears there is a heavy emphasis on outcome. It’s hard to remember learning is a process when there is such a high level of expectation or being attached to a particular outcome.

I returned to school last week and have already found myself suffering because things aren’t going as “expected” or as I planned. I’m trying to be kind to myself and others (hello Metta in the morning!), however it’s a tall order right now. I plan to cultivate a sense of patience (faith and confidence) in the learning process and remind myself and my students that if they do the work then the outcome will take care of itself.

For now, I will remind myself I’m not saving people’s lives, I am teaching them how to read. I’ll also try to remember that we have a new chance for learning everyday over the next nine and a half months and that everything doesn’t have to happen TODAY.

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How honest is too honest?

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I’ve done it now. I’ve invited the world inside my very personal thoughts and journey. So far, the reactions and comments have been nothing short of fully supportive. Although that could be because I stacked the deck by showing this to the other people going on the journey with me, but still, nothing but kudos and “I get where you are coming froms.”

I took a big risk this morning. I’ve invited my family into my inner world. I sent this link to my mom and dad and brother. I have a long history of keeping people I’m not sure agree with me at arm’s length. Now I’ve exposed that soft, fleshy part of my throat that is so vulnerable it brings tears to my eyes writing this.

People, please be kind. This is a very personal journey and I don’t want to feel like it was a mistake for inviting you in.

Is yoga a religion?

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I wanted to title this post, “I used hate all religion and now I only dislike some.” Catchy, huh?

Day Three

The Dharma talk. Uh oh.  The Dharma talk is the part where the yoga is going to recruit me into the cult. It will invade my brain and change how I view the world, God and myself.

God, I hope so.

Let me start at the beginning. I was raised to be a good Lutheran. Or at least that was the intention. My peeps are originally from Minnesota and as Garrison Keillor can attest, the place overrun with Lutherans. My father moved to California when he was three; however he brought those good Lutheran values with him on the ride.

Here’s the truth though. I went to the weekly classes and was confirmed a Lutheran when I was in eighth grade.   As it turns out, I was that kid. I was the questioner. I was the doubter. I was the pain in the ass with all the philosophical questions and then with the follow up questions which always ended with the pastor sighing audibly and replying, “You just need to have faith.”

Since being confirmed as a real life Lutheran, I have been to church exactly three times. When I go to church wedding, I worry that my lack of faith will somehow cause the architectural destruction of the church. Seriously, I worry that I’m going to ruin the wedding because the church falls down around us. I’m pretty sure the pastor at my church is still clapping gleefully every week when I am absent from his congregation. The dude looked a little panicked when he spotted me in the pews at my Grandma’s funeral. “Oh no, not that kid.”

“You just need to have faith.”

How could I have faith in something I saw as punitive and hypocritical? How could I have faith when there is so much suffering and injustice in the world? How could I have faith when I don’t see myself like these people?

“You just need to have faith.”

But it didn’t. In fact, for a very long time, I had the opposite of faith. I had scorn for those that blindly followed the flock and didn’t question. I looked down on them for their ignorance of what was real – evolution, science, fun. Needless to say, my spiritual life suffered greatly because of my rebellious attitude toward my family’s chosen religion.

“You just need to have faith.”

Then it happened. I started to question my questioning. I started to feel like something was missing in my life. I had a new very fulfilling job I was passionate about, a very supportive partner, amazing friends and yet something was missing. Did those JC lovers know something I didn’t know?  Damn them. Were they right?!? Did I just need to have faith?

So I went on a journey to find my spiritual self. Of course I mocked the hell out of the wonderful person that suggested I do that. Poor thing, just a sweet Buddhist shrink looking to help me find my way. I think I owe her an apology…

I didn’t go to yoga to find my spiritual self or any new ideas about the world. I was looking for a good workout and that post class feeling. That peaceful feeling. That feeling that was absent except right after class. So more yoga = more good feelings, right?

As it turns out, the real yoga comes after you leave your mat, your head and find your own inner goodness and peace. As it turns out, it’s the turning inward and looking for the divinity in yourself when all the goodness happens. It’s the Dharma that brings out the faith. The faith in the inner goodness in all people, the faith in the impermanence of all – good, bad, indifferent, the faith in the present moment.

Through the regular practice of asana and listening to the very wise IAY teachers, I have finally found my faith.

A home practice? Are you crazy?!?

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We’ve been asked to begin a home practice. I know, huh? Why on Earth would we start a home practice when our studio practice is so delicious? You go to class, roll out your mat and some super knowledgeable yogi gives up the goods. You’ve got some exercise, mental clarity and fulfilled a commitment. You feel better because you’ve “done” yoga and you didn’t have to think about it.

I finally got it today. Our job as teachers is to help students become independent learners… (Geez, where have I heard that before?). A yoga class can be likened to excellent tier one (whole group) instruction. Teachers guide students through poses giving corrective feedback and modeling poses. Students that need a little remediation, get it. Those that don’t,  just do some guided practice under the teacher’s supervision.  Under this scenario, what is the student’s proving behavior? It’s not until students are left to their own devices do we as teachers know they learned what we taught.

In the end, to truly know your student is making progress is when they can do it on their own. Think of it as grown up homework.

Letting go of the doing.

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Day 2

12 hours down, 4.5 to go for the weekend. Sounds crazy because most people think of yoga as active asana (poses) with a little meditation at the end of the practice ususally in Savasana. In reality though all of what we’re doing – studying, discussing, making body shapes, meditation – is all yoga.

Yin – the feminine aspect of yoga. It’s the practice of holding more passive poses for longer periods of time. It feels amazing because it is a slow letting go of the doing.  I haven’t always felt this way about Yin. I used to look at people and think they were just laying there. Really what were they getting from “just laying there”? Now that I’ve expanded my view of what yoga is, I get it. I’ve drunk the Yin koolaid. Now I love this gradual letting go. This is my yoga. Letting go of the doing…

Personal values and how we live (or don’t live) them is also a big part of this new yoga. Glad to report I’m living my most important personal values most of the time (yay ego!). Mostly what I learned about this is in my previous career in politics and living a really ambitious go-getter life didn’t serve these values and through the process of changing careers, I have been able to live more closely to these values. I’m so glad I already figure some of this stuff out! (ego rules!)

Here are my values in ranked order:

  1. humor
  2. family/friends/personal connections
  3. passion
  4. courage
  5. activism
  6. books
  7. music
  8. travel
  9. food
  10. green living
  11. enough (self acceptance, non-perfectionism, self kindness)

We were only supposed to choose ten, but that’s like asking someone to choose amongst her kids. Enough said.

Teaching yoga is an art and a science. Today we spent some time on each.  Practicing looking at each other’s alignment and giving corrective feedback was both an exercise in the science and art. How does one teach body alignment to people that seem to have no awareness of their body in space? How do you help someone change life long habits of clenching their butt or sucking in their bellies? What language do you use to help someone become more aware of what they are doing? Best answer we got today is to ask, “How does it feel?”

Today it feels a lot like letting go.

Yoga is like falling in love. It’s hard to explain to people that haven’t experienced it themselves.

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In the interest of self-care, today I’m reposting my first ever post. 

Many of you haven’t seen this yet. It’s where the story began.

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Today was the first day of my 200 hour yoga teacher training.  My first thoughts are that I’m so glad I’m doing this now and with these people. I have been working the front desk and practicing regularly at the studio for more than a year now. Looking around the room I saw mostly familiar people I’ve practiced with many times.  I’m looking forward to practicing and learning from everyone – not just Michelle and the IAY gals. 

Why here?

It’s All Yoga is the closest slice of yoga heaven I’ve ever experienced. The teachers, without exception, exhibit kindness, generosity of spirit, humor and wisdom beyond their years.  The space itself is an inspiration in green living and the studio’s commitment to the environment is evident. I spend all my spare time trying to drag everyone I know into the studio to share in the goodness.

Why now?

I’ve been flirting with a regular yoga practice for years. I took my first class more than 10 years ago and thought I’d never experience anything so amazing. Fast forward to summer 2006 when I did my first “summer school” (3 unlimited months of yoga) at IAY and I discovered that amazing feeling only compounded with regularity. School years take an obscene amount of energy the first few years of a teacher’s career and so my regular practice suffered when “real life” returned after the summer break.

Last summer I started “Desk Diva-ing” and the rest is history. Instead of exclusively focusing on my teaching job this last school year, I devoted several days a week to my yoga practice. Working the desk committed me to two days a week and sometimes that is all I could do. Other weeks I found myself on my mat many more – sometimes even at home! 

Over this past year, my mat became my friend and sometimes my enemy. I spent a lot of time crying on my mat – frustration at my body’s limitations, envious of other people’s strength and flexibility, sadness because of some fertility issues, grief because of past trauma, family illnesses and deaths.

It wasn’t all tears (although sometimes it felt that way). Connection, joy, self acceptance, love, dare I say – divinity have also been present on my mat. Had those been there all along? Had I missed them always living in the past and the future? Would I keep experiencing them if I continue to practice?

This new regular practice helped me take my yoga (non-competitiveness, loving-kindness, openheartedness) into my classroom as well. I am looking forward to seeing what this deeper self exploration means for me and my students over the next few months as I delve deeper into a practice I’m falling in love with.